I am here to tell you how to make a decent peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

What makes me an expert? Growing up, our school didn’t have a cafeteria. I brought PB&J to school every day for 12 years. Except one day in 4th grade my mother made me a tuna-fish sandwich. I flushed it down the toilet at school. It clogged. Principalities were called in. I think she learned her lesson.

Although this is a basic staple of growing-up life, many people don’t know how to make one properly. It’s a simple process, but like anything else, screwing up any one of the steps can screw up the whole process.

Ingredients to make a Proper Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich

1) White bread. Do not serve PB&J on anything else. Does it have to be Wonder Bread? No, you go ahead and get some earthy, crunchy, free-range, whole grain bread.

2) JIF. Choosy moms choose JIF. What else do you need to know?

In answer to the “Creamy or Crunchy?” question, PB&J should be made with creamy peanut butter for the same reasons that you don’t put eggshells in an omelet.

3) Grape Jelly. Not Jam. Not Strawberry. Smucker’s will do in a pinch if you can’t find Welch’s.

4) Milk. I leave the kind up to you. I actually prefer skim-milk, with a few exceptions I’ve never found it to taste like white-colored water (although I did have some recently that was like that).

How to make a proper Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

I’m surprised how many people do this wrong.

I’m here to help.

1) Take out two pieces of bread. Feel free to reach past the first few slices which may be getting a little stale. You can always make toast with those. You need soft, fresh bread for this.

2) Open the pieces of bread like you would open a book. Not even Wonder Bread is perfectly symmetrical, so this will make sure that the bread lines up when you put it back together in sandwich form. It’s attention to details like these that are the difference between living life and enjoying life.

3) Put peanut butter on both pieces of bread. This is essential, especially if you are making a sandwich that won’t be eaten for several hours (i.e. packing lunch for a school-aged child). The peanut butter serves as a seal to keep the jelly from seeping through the bread. Do you really want your child to eat a sandwich that looks like yesterday’s band-aid? I would hope not.

4) Put the jelly on one-side. Otherwise it will slide off when you go to put the two pieces together. Obviously. However, don’t just take a spoonful and slop it onto the middle of the sandwich expecting to squish it down into place with the other piece of bread. Take some {expletive deleted} pride in your work. Spread the jelly evenly, allowing for some room for the peanut butter to make a seal. You do not want to have the jelly slide out and end up on your child’s crotch while s/he is at the lunch table at school.

Note: Squeezable jelly does work well; however, we can never find it in our stores.

5) Put both pieces of bread together, lining them up properly.

6) Do not cut off the crust. Why would you cut off the crust? When did this start? And why? Leave the bleepin’ crust alone.

7) Serve will cold milk. Repeat as necessary.

Goes well with Oreos.