The Something I Wait For

I’ve spent a great amount of time thinking that something is out there, just around the corner, just a few steps away. Sometimes I wonder if it isn’t looming right behind me, so close and yet completely invisible and unknown.

Part of me wonders if this is what everyone goes though before they hit whatever they define as mid-life, expecting/believing in some greater potential yet to be realized. When it doesn’t arrive, is that what throws people into a downward spiral?

Good God, am I going to be driving a sportscar and wearing a baseball hat to cover up male-pattern baldness?

I’ve never lived anyone else’s life, I’ve been through this before, but this seems unusual. This isn’t a set idea of what I want to do or what I want to be. This is an amorphous shape just beyond the corner of my eye. I fully expect that, like much of my life thus far, it will appear unexpected and unimagined. When I see it I will be both surprised because I didn’t see it coming, and at the same point realize that much of my life up up to this point has been in preparation for something I didn’t expect or understand.

It feels like it is getting closer. Looming larger. But no matter how hard I squint, I can’t make it out. Since I don’t know what it is, I can’t prepare for it.

So I wait.